When no one is listening - stop talking

The kid was frantic. Kicking and screaming, refusing to go home from daycare.
His mother was trying to reason with him. She used logical arguments, explaining why they needed to do what she had planned, not what he wanted. The boy screamed even louder and put his arms around his head while his mother became increasingly desperate.

I remember thinking;

Why on earth are you talking to a child who is not in a listening state?

Greta Thunberg was clearheaded about it, when she said:

"Why would I waste time talking to him [Donald Trump] when he, of course, is not going to listen to me?"

Why indeed?

Angry toddler. 

Photo by Mohamed Abdelgaffar from Pexels

I have picked up my kids on many occasions and walked away with them in my arms, calming them down with my physical presence rather than with words that would just fall on deaf ears.

It is harder to pick up a colleague who is not listening, or a parent who refuses to accept help.

When you are faced with a person who is not ready or willing to listen - stop talking.

When you resist what is, you waste your time and your energy.

Stop talking, and do something else to get through.

Like picking up your child, or tickling her/him. 

Or something else that breaks the stalemate.


In the example of a colleague, you can choose to simply leave it be for a while.

Come back to the topic another time.

Your words, your time and your energy are too valuable to waste. Only use them when and where they make a difference.

Set goals like a child, not like a fearful adult

“So, what are the goals we are going after this year?”

Manda looked at Victor with anticipation. He knew why. Tomorrow she was going to have a kick-off with the project team. She wanted to have juicy, inspirational goals to share. And she expected him to give them to her.

He cleared his throat, but she interrupted him before he even got started.

“No, don’t tell me. We will go all in on that idea that came up in the last Hackathon and finally show the world that we are as innovative as we say in our marketing. Right?”

She looked at him as a child the day before Christmas. With the same eagerness he had had when the leadership team had gone off-site to set the goals for the year.

“Well... you know, it’s hard to set that as a goal. We have no idea if we can achieve that or not. We haven’t done these things before and...” his voice trailed off when he saw her look.

She crossed her arms.

“So, tell me. What is the goal for the year?”

He looked down and mumbled so she could barely hear him.

“We will increase the sales by 10%.”

Manda shook her head and sighed.

“You didn’t set a goal Victor. You made a bloody forecast.”

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok from Pexels

When children see something they want, they go after it. They believe without a doubt they can become astronauts, dancers, prime ministers or teachers. Or anything else they want.

As we grow up, we learn that not achieving the goals we set is the same as failing.
Over time we even see ourselves as failures if we don’t meet the goals.
Instead of aiming high and risking to fail, we set our goals lower and lower.

We stop aiming for what is possible and settle for what is obtainable.

Don’t fall into that trap.

Set goals as inspiration and use each outcome as a stepping stone – not a measure of your worth.

Happy goal setting!

Using No as fuel

“Why is that guy even working here? Has he ever contributed to anything? I mean, I can deal with different opinions, with criticism, but that guy – he is so downright negative he makes Ebenezer Scrooge seem like Polyanna.”

Victor paced the conference room. Manda looked at him.

“He didn’t like your proposal, I know, but...”

“He never likes anyone’s proposal, he is negative to everything, why should I spend energy on updating a proposal he will not like anyway?”

Manda stood up and got in Victor’s way, forcing him to stop pacing.

“You are not going to update it until he likes it. You are going to update it until you like it. Use the parts of his criticism that make sense and create an even better proposal.“

Victor looked at her, his chest moving as if he had run up the stairs rather than just sitting in the conference room. He wanted to say that there was nothing useful in the old man’s complaints, but deep inside he knew there was always something worth looking into. The guy was annoying but not stupid.

“It’s just that... I don’t know why I let him get to me.”

Manda shrugged.

“Because you want him to like your proposals. Even though he never does. Stop aiming for praise you'll never get. Turn it into a game. How many of his Nos do you need to make your proposal really great?”

He looked at her, suddenly smiling.

“You’re right. I will be like Rocky.”

“Rocky? Your cat?”

“No, Rocky Balboa.” Victor relaxed his face and imitated Sylvester Stallone:

“It ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” 

Rocky Balboa. Flickr

Some people will love everything you do.

Some people will dislike everything you do.

Regardless of what you do.

Make sure you use whatever opinions people have, as ways to improve. Then both Yes and No will help you, and you will be unstoppable.

Multitasking vs. Multi-thinking

Do you multitask to save time?

Multitasking can be great to save time. It can even increase energy when used well.

But if you confuse multi-thinking with multitasking you will waste time and increase stress.

Multitasking works well when you combine something that can be done automatically, i.e. without thinking, with something that requires your attention.

You can for instance use your commute time for more than transporting yourself; by reading on the bus or listening to a podcast in your car.

This type of multitasking can also be used to compensate something you may not enjoy that much with something that makes you happy. Like singing while vacuum cleaning.

This type of multitasking can save you time and increase your energy.

Multi-thinking on the other hand, is when we try to combine two or more things that require our attention. Instead of doing two things well, we will end up doing two or more things poorly. 

Woman cooking and talking on the phone. 

Photo by James Cook Media

Like participating in a brainstorm meeting at work and answering mails at the same time. 

Or talking to your child about how her day at school was while paying your bills.

Not only are you fooling yourself about the time saving part. You are not saving time when you shift your focus back and forth, back and forth. Interrupted focus is not only inefficient, it also makes you feel stressed.

You will have a hard time finishing things, especially finishing things in a way that is satisfying.

And trust me, people, especially children, notice the difference between your full and caring attention and distracted, half hearted conversation.

To get things done and be truly present in your life, combine activities you can do without thinking but focus your attention on one thing (or person!) at the time.

 In other words: multitask, don't multi-think.  

Maybe your salary is not your fault

“What’s up?” Victor looked at Manda, surprised about his colleague’s uncharacteristic frown.

She sat down heavily, even though she was a small woman.

“I just had my yearly salary talk. Every time I feel like I am being cheated, and I wonder if I am getting less because I am a woman.”

“Why would you be getting less? You are great at what you do.” He sat down opposite to her.

“Ever heard about the salary gap between men and women? Why would I be an exception?”

“Well, I wouldn’t care about statistics. Just make sure you ask for more. For as much as you are worth. Women should stand up for themselves. Be tougher.”

She scuffed.
“Remember the time you borrowed my car and drove it into a ditch?”

He grimaced.
“How can I possibly forget? You keep reminding me. I am telling you, there was something wrong with the steering wheel.”

“I know.”

“You know? You knew? All this time ...”

She stood up, arms crossed over her chest.
“But you know what, instead of fixing the problem, I expect everyone who drives my car to adapt to it.”
He was about to say something, but she was faster:
“You know, just be tough enough to steer it anyway.”

Iceland is rolling out the world’s toughest equal pay legislation. Prime minister Katrin Jakosdottir says that telling women they “just have to ask for more” is not the solution.

“You can’t place all responsibility for a structural change on the individual.”

Next time you tell a woman she “should” ask for more or stand up for herself, think about how you can be part of the needed structural change. 

Old and New in beautiful harmony

"There's a symbiosis of high-tech and traditional artisanship in every component."
Fernando Villa, Sagrada Familia's director of operations

When organizations introduce something new, they often throw out the old a bit too quickly.

Like organizations going agile and losing a lot of their leaders in the process. Not missing them until they are gone.

Or organizations removing assistants, counting on automated systems to do the work better and faster.

Or conference rooms getting high-tech equipment with overcomplicated user interfaces, leaving people looking for the standard projectors only to find they have already been removed.

Progress is fantastic. Digitalization can increase efficiency multifold and AI can complement us so we can focus on the human side of things.

When we find ways of using what we do well with the new and different, we can really be productive and create greatness.

Like the building of the already magnificent Sagrada Familia

Who do you want to be?

“Forget it mum, I am just no good at maths.” He put his head in his hands, one elbow on each side of the book.

With lifted eyebrows she looked at her teenaged son, sitting next to her at the kitchen table.

“What do you mean, no good at maths?”

He leaned back, shrugged.

“I am a person who is good with words, with languages, but I am no good at maths.”

“Really?”

He looked at her, frowning. She behaved as if she hadn’t seen his grades.

“Yes!”

“Could it possibly be that you see yourself as someone who is good at languages, and then you do what people who are good at languages do, and then you get great results?”

“Mum, it’s not that sim...”

“And you define yourself as someone who is not good at maths, you stop liking it and start getting poor results.“

“Mum, it's not about how I define myself.”

She put her hand on top of his.

“Oh yes sweetheart. It's all about who you think you are.”

Photo by Kaboompic.com from Pexels

White house chief of staff John Kelly explained why he stayed for 17 months in what he called a “bone-crushing hard job” by saying: “Military people don’t walk away.”

Once you define yourself as someone or something, your actions will become evident.

This goes for both “good” and “bad” behaviours.


I have clients who call themselves lazy. Or who say they are unstructured. Others say they are procrastinators.

The first thing I tell them is to re-define who they are.

When you define yourself the way you want to be, rather than as a limited version of you, the actions will follow.

It’s not what you do.


It’s who you are.