Your ethical will: How do you want to be remembered?

Welcome back to Twelve essential questions to tell a life story.

By joining me in twelve blog posts you will create what Rabbi Leder calls your ethical will.

By answering the questions your loved ones will get to know you deeper and you will understand yourself better. 

Let your memories bring meaning!

To join – read the blog posts, reflect on the questions and write your own answers. You are very welcome to share them in the comments.

How do you want to be remembered?

To my surprise, many people who were quoted in the book answered this question with specific details. For example:

“I am hiking among tall redwood trees, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. I am fifty years old, with my dog.”

If you have followed me long enough to know one of my favourite artists, you will understand why I like this answer:

“Maybe I am on the beach, it’s a warm day, and I’m in a long, flowy white dress. I am with Elvis.”

When I think of my mother, I don’t think of her in one way, or at one age. It varies. Sometimes I see her as she looked in her sixties, sometimes as I remember her in her forties, and - surprisingly - sometimes I think of her in her twenties, the way I see her on photographs from that time.

I don’t want to be remembered at a certain age or in particular clothes. I want everyone who remembers me to remember me in their own way.

I want my loved ones to remember my smile, my inner drive and most of all my love. And then I hope each and every person who has met me will have their own treasured memories and moments with me that they can look back on with a warm feeling in their heart.

How do you want to be remembered?

How to find time in September. Long term planning

Welcome to How to find time in September!

At this time of year we still have some time to achieve goals we set at the beginning of the year. Long term planning will help us get from where we are to where we want to be.

This month I am going to tell you about 3 different ways of planning to achieve goals. As I explain in the video, different approaches are suitable for different types of goals. 

Tools and guidance

After you have watched the video, decide what approach will help you best. 

Do you know what you need to do to get to your goal?

Then use a work breakdown structure.

You can find a good description here.

Is it a goal you don't really know how to achieve?

Use a problem statement and an issue tree.
Read this blogpost about how to use a problem statement and 

Read this blogpost about how to use an issue tree.

Is it a goal, or even a dream, where progress is more important than meeting a specific deadline?

Use the Vision-Next Step approach I describe in the video.

I hope you will enjoy finding time!

Your ethical will: Have you ever cut someone out of your life?

Welcome to tell your life story by answering 12 questions!

This series of blog posts is inspired by the book For you when I am gone by Steve Leder.

Together we will answer one question at the time, giving us a story to share with our loved ones. We will also give ourselves a chance to reflect. Are we living according to our values?

You are more than welcome to share your answer in a comment.

As Steve Leder puts it:

Telling our stories is a way to share whatever meaning and joy we have found along the way, the depth of our love for others and for life itself.

To share our story with someone is to say, you matter to me.

Question 8: Have you ever cut someone out of your life?

The wording of the question sounds American to me. "Cut someone out of your life". I don't think we have an expression for that in Swedish. We might say that we avoid or dislike someone, but I can't really think of a similar expression to cut someone out.

So why is this question included when we write something we want to share with our loved ones?

Steve explains it this way:

“...there are times when we courageously and sometimes painfully have to stand up for ourselves.”

Here are some answers from the book:

“Are we staying because of people-pleasing or thinking that we are someone’s last hope? That’s just ego-centred and not truly benefiting anyone. No, some of my most dramatic growth has come from those times that I have spoken, clearly and boldly, ‘You shall not pass’.”

“Seeing each person for who they are, not who you need them to be, is the key to avoiding people who are not good for you. They may be good people, they just aren’t good for you.”

I haven't cut anyone out of my life, but I have stood up for myself when I felt I needed to and avoided people who didn't feel right for me.

The closest I ever came to cutting someone out was after a guy slapped me in the face. I was a teenager at the time and it shocked me. I had never been hit before (or since).

Years later I saw a scene in a film where a man was hitting a woman. When she hit back, he grabbed her wrists and said:

"Stop it. No matter how much you hurt me, I can hurt you more".

It reminded me of the powerlessness I felt when I was hit by someone stronger than me.

I didn't physically "cut him out of my life", but mentally I did. I stopped talking to him, I stopped caring about him. Years later, I found a way to forgive. I understood that he was full of pain. The slap had nothing to do with me, he just couldn't contain his anger and I got caught in the crossfire.

This experience, along with living in a far from safe neighbourhood when I moved to Den Haag, made me learn jiu-jitsu. Of course I would rather stay away from any kind of violence, but I guess I was no longer sure that I could. Learning jiu-jitsu helped me to overcome the feeling of powerlessness I felt when I was hit.

How about you?


Have you cut someone out of your life?


Have you stood up for yourself in a way that ended a relationship?


What did you learn from it?


Reflect and write down these important answers in your “ethical will”.

How to find time in August - fit in more with combinations

Welcome to How To Find Time In August!

This month, I want to help you optimise the time you have.

You may know by now that we all receive a Glass of time each week.

To use the time in that glass well, we need to secure our Energy with Needs-time and our Enthusiasm with Want-time before we spend all available time on the things we feel we "should" do. 

This month I give suggestions on how to combine activities in your Needs-, Want- and "Shoulds" time. When you find good combinations you can fit more into your glass of time.

There are many ways to combine different tasks. Before you listen to the tips in the video, let me warn you about a common misunderstanding.

Many people think efficiency means doing something every single minute of the day. They confuse efficiency with being busy. 

What I teach is not being busy, it is peacefully getting things done while enjoying each moment.

Keep that in mind when you listen to the video for tips about putting children to bed, doing dishes, and cleaning the house in ways that are fun, meaningful and efficient.

When you listen to the video, keep paper and pen with you (or use your computer with notifications and distractions turned off) and write down combinations you want to try out.

Remember, this is NOT about cramming in activities. That will just give you a false feeling of efficiency. Instead, focus on making each activity worthwhile and fun. We can multitask but we cannot multi-think as I describe in the blogpost Multitasking vs. Multi-thinking. 

I hope you will enjoy finding time with fun combinations!

Going deeper

If you want to learn how to peacefully get more done with less effort and deeper joy I recommend you read my books about finding time. 

Later this year I will release Beyond Efficiency - How to escape the Efficiency Trap and become an amazingly effective and peaceful leader by paying yourself first with time. 

If you can read Swedish, you are welcome to read Visst har du tid, available now.

How to find time in July - WINE analysis

Welcome to the first month of the second half of the year!

This is a great month to reflect on what we have achieved and experienced in the first half of the year and what we want to achieve and experience in the second half.

To ensure you cover the areas that really make a difference - do a WINE analysis!

What I suggest you do in July - together with your loved ones if you can - is to take time out, ideally two times one hour. Then do a WINE analysis.

I am not referring to drinking wine, even if you're welcome to do that. 

I am talking about an acronym that will help you focus on areas that according to research are the areas we need to focus on to feel successful and fulfilled.

Winning

Influence

Needed

Enjoyment

I'm also suggesting that you look at three life spheres since life is so much more than work, which is the area we typically set goals in. Look at your personal and professional life as well as your relationships.

Use the first hour to reflect on the first part of the year. What have you achieved, what have you experienced? I hope this exercise will make you happy and proud.


The second hour (I suggest you do this another day, to let the first exercise sink in) you look ahead. 

What do you want to achieve and experience the rest of this year in the different areas and life spheres? 

If done right, this exercise will give you guidance for the rest of the year and make you inspired and  hopeful.

Detailed instructions

· Set aside one hour for reflection. Alone or with your loved ones.

· Sit down with pen and paper (or computer if you turn off notifications that distract you) and look at each area and life sphere in the WINE analysis. Write down what you have achieved and experienced in these areas. Celebrate and enjoy! Learn and grow!

· Set aside another hour to do the same for the rest of the year. This time you will focus on what you want to achieve and experience in different areas the rest of the year. Get inspired! Set yourself up for success!

If you are a Timefinder Academy member, you can watch these webinars and do the WINE analysis 
along with the participants!

Webinar 7: Wrapping up the year in an empowering way - WINE

 Webinar 23: Kicking off 2021

Good luck!

Your ethical will: What is love?

 Welcome to tell your life story by answering 12 questions!

This series of blog posts is inspired by the book For you when I am gone by Steve Leder. 

Together we will answer one question at the time, giving us a story to share with our loved ones. We will also give ourselves a chance to reflect. Are we living according to our values? 

You are more than welcome to share your answer in a comment. 

As Steve Leder puts it: 

Telling our stories is a way to share whatever meaning and joy we have found along the way, the depth of our love for others and for life itself. To share our story with someone is to say, you matter to me. 

What is love?

As soon as I read the question, Haddaway started singing in my head. Yes, I do have some similarities with Jenny in my book Love, Guilt, and Motorcycles (Jenny, Jenny in Swedish). Haddaway’s What is love doesn’t answer the question though. 

This is one of the answers in Steve’s book: 

“Love is covered well by Corinthians, but I’ll take us back to my Mayan ancestry where love is defined in a greeting, ala kesh ala kin, which means ‘the light I see in you is the same light in me.’ I believe the sages of the ages when they say we are all made of love - and that when we connect to this light within ourselves, we are able to see it in each other.” 

I find that to be a beautiful description. 

The other descriptions Steve shares often describe actions. 

“Love is picking up something at the grocery store that you don’t like to eat but that your husband adores.” 

and 

“Love is getting up in the middle of the night to hold [my wife’s] hair back when she’s sick and puking in the toilet and then cleaning up after she goes back to bed.”

Others describe love in feelings. 

“Love is a feeling of belonging, of feeling just right.”

and

“...the butterflies in my stomach when I would see [my husband], the sparkle I saw in his eyes…”

I like words, yet, when I am asked to describe love, no words come. Maybe because words will inevitably fall short when trying to explain love. 

As one person wrote in Steve’s book: 

"Love is a state of being. Love, if we try to articulate what it means, shrinks."

That’s why I can’t find the words to describe what love is. I don’t want to shrink it. 

So what is love to me?

Love is everything. 

Love is life. 

Love just is. 

What is love to you? 

How to find time in June - Your relationship overview

Have you ever put your kids to bed, wishing they would fall asleep quickly so you could get back to all the things you still needed to do?

If it is easy to feel that way.

At the same time many parents wish they could spend more time with their children than they do and less time with people who drain their energy.

This month I help you make the most of your time and energy by rethinking, reconnecting or cherishing your relationships.

 

Find time in June by looking at the different relationships in your life and do one of 3 things for each one of them:

• Cherish the time you have together
• Allocate time for it and don’t waste it by thinking about something else when you are with your loved ones.

• Reconnect with people you have lost touch with 
• If you think reconnecting will give you energy and joy. 

• Rethink the relationships that drain you. 
• Can you forgive and let go? Can you set clear boundaries? Can you stop seeing a person or significantly reduce how often you meet?

You can use the section Relationships in the Holistic Time Management planner or write your own table with people and actions in each category. (See the video for details).

Going deeper

In my upcoming book Beyond Efficiency I write more about this important topic. I will let you know when it is available. 

I can also recommend Jack Pransky's book: Parenting from the heart. 

Here is an interview with Jack about how to Weatherproof your relationship and deal with jealousy.

For Timefinder Academy members

(Re)watch the two webinars we dedicated to this important topic: 

 Webinar 14: The dream of happily ever after

Timefinder Alumni Elin Aamodt shares ways to handle life events we didn't expect

Webinar 27: Get ready to increase the love in your (future) relationship!

Relationship coach Hanne Hilleren describes how to reduce frustration and hurt and increase love and energy in our relationships.

I hope you will find time and energy this month by managing and enjoying your relationships!